How to cope when your unemployed

How to cope when your unemployed

Before I even get into the meat of this article, please rest assured it is not going to be a self-righteous, self helpy type of read. You know the ones, that tell you to get up every morning at a set time, and get dressed like you’re going to work whilst starting your job hunt. Far from it, this is my real account of unemployment after many years of juggling contract and permanent roles. The longest I have been out of work in my 15-year career is 3 months and that was a hard blow. I just returned to the UK after living and working in Barbados for a few years and trying to secure my first contract proved to be a bit of a mean task. So what happened? I got out of bed at midday, went to sleep around 4 am and started watching reality TV, I’m talking Real Housewives of Atlanta, Mob Wives, Geordie and Jersey Shore, you name it and I watched it (Oh yeah and gained 3 stone!) So what did I learn?

I learnt that it’s ok to veg out for a bit; being proactive at every interval of your life is not only exhausting, but quite counterproductive.Laying about for a bit is actually quite fun. However, when the cash runs out, it’s quite an isolated world. So what are my tips about getting through the days when you don’t know where the next pay check is coming from? Well before I start, I suggest you grab a glass of wine (or your preferred tipple and prepare to be entertained.

Sex

Yup I’m dead serious. It’s the perfect time to distract yourself from reality with the love of a good partner. If you can’t find a good one then there is always Tinder! Nonetheless, whatever way you decide to approach this, know that focusing a lot of your attention on receiving pleasure, actually realises so many endorphins that you will soon find that you bounce out of bed in the morning, just that bit earlier than normal and rearing to take on the world. Let’s be real, being unemployed is as demoralising as hell, and depression can and will seep in if you let it. So what better way to distract yourself from the realities of the world than with a massive orgasm!

Wine

Yup, you heard it here and I make no bones about it, but make your glass of wine your treat at the end of the day after you have submitted x amount of applications or pitches. However, wait until it gets dark otherwise you will find that the satisfaction levels are not the same. Look at it this way, when you get good news, achieve something, win something, or even buy something you like, you celebrate with a little tipple. All of life's successes are toasted, so why not celebrate when you beat away the beast of depression, get out of bed, send out a few application and actually make a positive contribution towards your productivity.

TV

Yup, I alluded to it earlier, but I am really going to break it down now. TV will be your best friend and your worst enemy.

How TV can be your best friend

Watch Jeremy Kyle ( JK – yes he get’s his own abbreviations because he played such an instrumental role in my transition period I need to give him the respect he deserves). Sounds a bit strange but it is true. So you're at home at 9.30 am, not dressed in your suit sitting at your computer like all these stupid articles suggest you should, because let's face it, it means that you will have to put that suit in the wash for NO REASON and soap powder and fabric softener cost money, even at Poundland. So turn on your TV and watch JK, why? Well for two reasons. Life cant be that bad because you still do not think it’s socially acceptable to air your dirty laundry in public and if you didn’t know who your child’s father was you would keep that to yourself. So what does that mean? It means that right now even in this little bump in the road, your life is not that chaotic! It is for this reason that I also advocate watching Eastenders. Now this one is little bit more tricky, but follows a similar principles. When you watch Easternders you look at your Oyster Card as a Beacon of freedom. No one leaves the square. They get married there, go to pub there, have affairs in one of three places, the car lot the Arches or the Vic. They only date people who enter the square, it's like a strange parallel universe that if you dare to cross the Walford line you will DIE. Now every now and again they do a scene outside of the square but we all know this makes us feel uncomfortable and slightly confused. So what is the moral of the story. No matter how isolated you may feel when unemployed, at least you can leave your postcode without being played out by the traditional “ im leaving the square music either in the back of a taxi or walking to the infamous “ Walford train station. That is what I call control !

How can TV be your enemy?

As destitute as that last section sounded, it can actually get worse. Picture this. Your unemployed, money is tight but every now and then you try to maintain your contact with the outside world. You accept a evening meet up with a group of friends who are going to go to the cinema to watch the latest blockbuster. Now if you're anything like me, a movie night out means, a soft drink combo of popcorn or nachos, or both depending how you are feeling plus the ticket. This nowadays costs in excess of 30 quid. I am from the old school and remember £1 cinema days, so even when I am working this hurts, but now I am broke and pretending to be in a sociable mood this is KILLING ME. So basically you’re paying a score to watch TV out of your house, which means to you need to get dressed, put on makeup or shave and get there. You do all of this only to find out that the film is disappointing and one of the people in your group persists on talking or fighting all the way through ( there is always one) So what is the moral of the story. Get a Samsung and download Showbox, you will never have to pay close to £40 quid to watch a movie again and if you have decent friends, they will realise you are unemployed and bring wine to your house when they come to watch your movie. Back to may last point and reiterates the fact that WINE IS YOU BEST FRIEND!

Im going to end this post on a whammy. I will get crucified by sandal wearing, vegan Guardian readers but I do not care. At some point of my life I have worn sandal ( on the beach in Barbados) eaten vegan food ( when you wake up in the morning and there is only rice left over for breakfast) and read the Guardian, ( well I still do now and it is my paper of choice) However my whammy is this. If you still can’t get through the unemployment stage. Sell your sole to an agency, sign up with a 24 year old person who is paid to shoehorn you into any position and get a call centre job. It gets you back into the world and if your background is marketing like me, you can just pretend that those cold calls were “ customer service conference calls to multiple clients”

It’s how you spin it baby!